Suicide!
- Ms. Spicy
- Jun 30
- 9 min read
Let’s get into it!
When I first got the call to speak at church for testimony service, there were so many things that went through my mind about which story I wanted to tell!
But ultimately, how may of us know that when you are submitted to the Holy Spirit, which we all should be…its not our will but his!
So, what he prompted me to end up telling is a story that I would not want to share outside of my family and friends. At least not now because
I am still walking out my deliverance and healing from it. However, not my will but his will always be done.
About a week after Joe called me, I went through what I considered as probably one of the darkest seasons of my life. Due to unmet expectations,
and my own personal failures….depression hit me so hard. There were so many thoughts that the enemy started to mess with my mind about.
Thoughts began to flood my mind about me not finishing my race, thoughts that it may not happen for me in certain areas of my life.
Thoughts of hopelessness. & the thought that trumped all of them was thoughts of suicide.
I found myself at the intersection of LIFE & DEATH!....LITERALLY! I planned out how it would happen, the time, and day! & When I didn’t combat those thoughts with prayer and scripture…the thoughts became louder to do it.
I remember dreaming that my life had ended. When I woke up out of the dream, I went to my mother to tell her what was going on
in my mind. I remember telling her that I felt like, I wasn’t going to finish this race and that the devil wanted me to kill myself. She said, “OH YOU ARE GOING TO FINISH”.
As a mother should, she jumped up, called my sister and begin to pray over me.
What they didn’t know was that as they prayed, I could feel the heaviness lift up off of me. What felt like years of built up frustration,
unworthiness, depression….it all begin to lift!!
HOW MAY OF YOU HAVE A PRAYING MOTHER??? I THANK GOD FOR MINE!!
My mind had literally slipped away from me and I felt myself coming back into my right mind.
HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT WE SERVE A MIND REGULATING GOD??
As anointed as I am, as God fearing as I am, as Holy Ghost filled as I am…there is no way in my RIGHT mind that I would allow those thoughts to linger or allow myself to do something as final as death. Which is how I knew that it was nothing but a trick of the
enemy that planted those thoughts in my head and wanted me to carry out the act.
There is too much life in me left to live for me to abort the mission at 33. The Lord did not save me at 15 for the story to end at 33 by suicide.
As they prayed over me, I began to cry to God asking him to save me….save me from myself. Save me from the trap of the enemy and he did just that.
After the prayer was over, pure thoughts began to come back. The negative thoughts were gone. Once I was back in my right mind, I couldn’t believe
that I allowed myself to get to the edge and almost lose it all.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHERE I WENT WRONG…..
You don’t just wake up one day and decide that you want to end your life…..how did I get to that place?
When those thoughts would come up, I was not discussing it with my support system. I did not bring it my mother in prayer, sister or bestfriends.
I did not express when it would come up….it would cross my mind in waves almost. & if something would happen that would frustrate me, it would come up.
It was as if the enemy was planting seeds in my mind along the way that led to my breakdown.
So, the Lord began to reveal to me where I went wrong and I had to be honest about what it took for me to get there…….
First of all, I was not testing my thoughts through scripture. When the enemy was telling me that I was not good enough…I was supposed
to combat that though scripture and let the enemy know Romans 8:37-39 (Amplified Version), “37 Yet in all these things we are more than
conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us]. 38 For I am convinced [and
continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and
threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from
the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
When the enemy was telling me that I was all alone, I was supposed to let him know, “Psalm 34:18 (Amplified Bible)
18 The Lord is near to the heartbroken. And He saves those who are crushed in spirit (contrite in heart, truly sorry for their sin).”
I was supposed to be using my spiritual weapons to fight those thoughts.
I ALSO WANT TO MENTION THAT I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE A SPIRITUAL FATHER WHO IS CONNECTED TO ME IN THE SPIRIT.
Bishop preached a messaged that following Sunday after my breakdown called, “THE HEZEKIAH IN YOU”. He preached about “FIGHTING TO LIVE”.
He told us that Sunday that the Lord woke him up about 3 am in the morning and changed his entire message to that one. What he didn’t know
was that it was for me. I needed to hear that message because I was literally “FIGHTING TO LIVE” that day. You can reference this scripture by
going to United Fellowship Youtube page to see the message on April 27th called “The Hezekiah In You”.
From that moment until now, I have been fighting to live everyday. Building myself up on my most holy faith!!!
There is too much purpose left inside of me to abort the mission, too many words spoken over my life that have yet to come to past for it to end in suicide.
The race is far from over!!!!
I am not telling you this story for you to feel sorry for me, but I am telling you this story to let you know that we serve a God of another chance. There are things in my life that I am not proud of. I have not dotted every I and crossed every T.
I am saying that to say that it is not uncommon to feel down about certain things in your life. Maybe you missed an opportunity, or
continue to fail an assignment and the Lord have you taking the tests over until you pass it. The feelings are valid and real.
But what he have to remember is that the Devil is still roaming the earth seeking whom he may devour. So when or if you find yourself in that moment….you have to be honest about it. Even though it may be hard and uncomfortable ..you can’t stay silent.
I knew better than to allow those thoughts to linger. My support system is small but STRONG!!!! I was supposed to tell them what was going on.
If you are in this audience and do not have a support system…you are more than welcome to talk to me. Whether you need a prayer partner, or simply a listening ear…we all will need that at some point in our life.
You may find yourself in a hopeless place you we can’t stay there. Because, if we are reading our word…not only reading but studying to show ourself approved…we would know that in Hebrews 4:15 (Amplified Version) “15 For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and understand our weaknesses and temptations, but One who has been tempted [knowing exactly how it feels to be human] in every respect as we are, yet without [committing any] sin.”
He never said that we wouldn’t go through things….but we are not without hope!!!
There is an entire community of people in this room that can be support to you. We serve a mind regulating God.
He brought me back in my right mind.
I was the one in high school and still to this day, there are people that I went to High School with that would call me mama.
Since a very young age….many people would come to me to ask for advice. If I didn’t know what to say, I would call my mother to pray for others and counsel them. I was always helping others! But do not let my smile fool you…
I am the strong friend that will pray at any hour of the night for my family and friends. They know that they can always call me and I do not care what they did or didn’t do…I will always pray for them and help where I can! & if there was ever a time that I couldn’t help them…I was calling my mama for backup. Still to this day, I am always evangelizing and telling of the goodness of God whenever I can.
Each and everyone of us have gone through or is going through a real life situation that
if not managed correctly, can take you to a point of no return. BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING….YOU DON’T HAVE
TO STAY THERE!!!!!!
Had I allowed that moment to happen, I would not be here telling you how I overcame. I didn’t create my life, so how dare I take something that is not mine. & my God is too big!!!! I would have sent a message to those that love me that my God is not good. That my God is not big enough to rescue me from the traps of the enemy. I allowed the enemy to make me feel
like there is no hope in that moment and that is simply not true.
Since the age of 15, and my mother and sister can attest that there are some that the Lord brought me through, that I didn’t see no way out of…….but he brought me through.
I am standing here as a testimony to each and everyone of you that you do not have to allow the enemy to play with your mind.
If you need a bill paid, if you are sick in your body…no matter what you are dealing with…he is able. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good.
There is too much life in me left to live for me to abort the mission at 33. The Lord did not save me at 15 for the story at 33 by suicide.
NOT ON MY WATCH!!!!
I AM GOING TO END MY TESTIMONY WITH SCRIPTURES THAT YOU CAN USE IN YOUR OWN LIFE IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF IN A HOPELESS PLACE!!! TALK BACK TO THE DEVIL AND DO NOT LET HIM STEAL YOUR VOICE!!!
EVERY THOUGHT THAT TRY TO CHALLENGE WHO YOUR GOD IS…..SPEAK THE WORD BACK TO IT!!
2 CORINTHIANS (KING JAMES VERSION) 10: “5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”
WATCH WHAT YOU ALLOW IN YOUR EYE & EAR GATES!!! I HAVE SWITCHED MY PLAYLISTS IN MY PHONE AND DELETED ANY MUSIC THAT WOULD POTENTIALLY CAUSE MY MIND TO SLIP BACK TO WHERE IT SHOULD NOT BE!!!! I DO NOT WATCH ANYTHING THAT BRING NEGATIVITY INTO MY LIFE. WHETHER IT IS DRAMA FILLED REALITY TV SHOWS OR PODCASTS!!! WHO ARE YOU SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH?? ARE THEY ENCOURAGING YOU TO BE A BETTER YOU! ARE THEY HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE OR SIMPLY IN YOUR LIFE TO BRING DRAMA??
HE WILL KEEP YOU, IF YOU WANT TO BE KEPT…BUT THERE IS WORK THAT YOU HAVE TO DO AS WELL!
“Isaiah 26:3(Amplified Bible)
3“You will keep in [a]perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both [b]inclination and character],Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation].”
THE DEVIL IS CRAFTY & HE WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO TRICK US OUT OF OUR SPOT….DON’T FALL FOR IT LIKE I ALMOST DID!
IF YOU LEARN NOTHING ELSE FROM ME….I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS….MY PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY YOUNG ADULTS IS THAT YOU SELF REFLECT ON YOUR MENTAL STATE & THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE TOLD ANYONE. WHAT ARE YOU ALLOWING TO TAKE SPACE IN YOUR MIND THAT YOU ARE KNOW IS NOT OF GOD!!!!!???
Scripture tells us to, “Philippians 4:8 (Amplified Bible)
8 Finally, [a]believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute;
if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].
I PRAY THAT EVEN ON YOUR DARKEST DAYS…MAY YOUR LIFE BE PROOF THAT GOD IS GOOD!
THANK YOU!
You can watch my testimony live by using the below link. I go on first so you will see me first.
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